The Stench

I know I know, yesterday it was poop and today it’s more talk of stinky bodily functions. Must be something in the air. Get it? Something in the air? Ha! I crack myself up. So a little background to what I shall be discussing…

First of all, let it be known that I have a horrible gag reflex. I gag when I brush my teeth, when I smell rotten food, when I see someone getting sick, when any bodily function happens, and most often when my husband farts because he thinks it’s hilarious. And six out of ten times I end up emptying my stomach of its contents into whatever toilet, trash can, or grassy area that I can find. I’ve been like this since I was a child. I remember one time when my family went on vacation and I headed to the bathroom in the hotel room after my father had blown up the port-a-potty sized bathroom. My mom still remembers this moment since it must have been the first of a lifetime of these types if incidents. I came screaming out of the bathroom with my shirt covered in that morning’s continental breakfast. Of course my father thought it was the funniest thing ever.

You should also know about my place of employment. It has quite a few departments. The department that I work in has roughly 20 employees. We have a unisex bathroom which is also used as a storage closet in the back of the office, completely out of the way from my desk, so I sometimes use the hall bathroom which is much more convenient for me. This hall bathroom is also a public restroom. Close to this bathroom is another department. They do not have their own bathroom. And inside the walls of that office is the female owner of what I shall call “the stench”. I know that she works in this department because I have sometimes turd burgled her in the public restroom and received an aroma of the stench plus the remains of a fast food meal she must have eaten. For those of you who do not know what a turd burglar is, please refer to this article on bathroom etiquette. (http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/107506.html)

This stench alone is not that of a bowl movement. It is that of her “area”. And no, it does not just appear around that time of the month. It is around ALL THE TIME, lingering for hours inside the walls of the bathroom stall after she is long gone, seeping into the only other stall available. She is a regular user of the toilet by the wall, so I’m always sure to only use the other stall. But sometimes I’m caught off guard because I have to pee so bad and before I realize the stench has been let loose it attacks me as my stream is just starting. And I’m stuck, gagging, wobbling and weaving (since I don’t sit on public toilets, I prefer the squat method), trying to dodge the horrible green cloud that is making its way to my nostrils. I try to breath through my mouth but it is so bad that I can taste it. And then the gagging starts.

If I’m using the restroom myself, I can usually hold it in until I’m finished, then do a quick 180 to make a puke-n-rally into the toilet. But lately I’ve learned to do a once-over of the restroom, and it usually results in me high-tailing it out of there, running into my office, eyes full of tears, hand covering mouth, body heaving as my other hand holds my stomach, and recovering with some heavy yoga breathing.

Yes, the stench is that bad.

This has been going on as long as I have worked at my job since the stench’s owner has worked there for years before I ever came along. This is definitely not something that can be discussed with her personally. Even if I were really close with her, this is subject that well….you just don’t go there. I don’t even feel comfortable going to HR about it in the hopes that they can approach the subject. And no, I’m not the only one that knows about the stench. I have fellow co-workers who will inform me and each other of the stench’s schedule.

But my question is: Really, how does she not know? They say that people can’t tell when they stink, but she must really have some smelling issues going on if she can’t tell that she smells like rotting meat. I’m almost tempted to leave an anonymous care package of “products” made for this sort of thing, but I don’t think that’s appropriate. I mean, what if it were me stinking up the place? How embarrassing.

So for now, I’ll use the bathroom in the back of our office. And when that bathroom is in use or being organized since a bunch of office supplies are back there, I’ll scope out the hall restroom and continue to walk in and walk straight back out when I sense the green cloud of doom.