Just Poop

I have two dogs but I prefer to call them my fur children. They go by the names of "Mister Henry" and "Doctor Beans". We've had Doc for about two years and he has gotten used to a routine of waking up, watching me get ready for work then eating and being let outside to do his business. No accidents. No problem.

And then there's Henry:


I swear that dog can hold his poo for 48 hours. It's either that or he's taking a sneak poop somewhere then cleaning up after himself. I had a dog once who did this. She'd walk outside, do her thing then turn right around and eat it. Should have trained her to just go in her food bowl. Maybe she was discovering a new way of recycling.

So Mr. Henry is a rescue dog that my husband and I got about a month ago. He's about 2 or 3 years old, pretty well behaved for being a feral dog. He has had a few accidents and eaten four pairs of my favorite shoes....this is okay, I deal. But the thing that gets me the most is that I can't get him to poop. Every time I think he's going to go I get all excited like it's Christmas because then I can pick it up and head back inside where it's not cold, wet or dark (I live in a townhouse where we have to walk our dogs and be on constant poop patrol or we'll get fined). Just as his butt hole starts winking, he lifts his leg and pees instead and I get all let down. So I was running late for work this morning and he hadn't gone potty since yesterday morning I thought he'd definitely go. So I waited. And waited. Walked some more...and nothing. 15 minutes have passed, Doc has already done his business and is back inside. 20 minutes....and it's 8:15am, I have to be at work at 8:30 and I have a 30 minute commute ahead of me so then I start getting aggravated, bending down, getting at his level and waving the plastic grocery bag at him that I was hoping to use to pick up after him.

"POOP!" I yell. "CRAP! JUST DO YOU'RE THING AND POOP!" of course Henry just looks at me and cocks his head to the side and sniffs some more. "Alright, if you don't sh*t in the next 10 seconds we're going in" and then I find myself counting down (like he can understand me or something) "10, 9....8....JUST POOP!!!!". "Is everything okay?" I freeze. My little old lady neighbor who's on the verge of death totally just caught me yelling at my dog to take a crap. I say, "oh...yeah....everything's fine! Sorry!" Then she shuffles toward me and says, "Maybe you should try an enema", stands there for a minute sizing up my dog like he's a thanksgiving turkey she's ready to shove bread crumbs in and turns and walks away.

An enema? For my dog? REALLY? Then I realize that I think she was talking to me. I was in a bend over and take it position as I was yelling at the dog, blocking the site of Mr. H from her view with my big derear. I really hope she doesn't think I was trying to poop outside...who would do that anyway? Okay, so besides the homeless person that craps all over the side door by my parking garage at work. But honestly, who? Oh well. I'll let her go gossip with the other old women in my neighborhood who I call the Poodle Patrol (every single one of them has one of the fluffy white purse dogs) and tell them I was trying to defecate on the sidewalk. I'll wait for a lovely note from our condo association informing us about something like proper waste management since they prefer to leave notes. Like the note we got last week with a picture of our garbage can next to our front door telling us we can't keep it there. Yeah, I have the paparazzi after my garbage can. I wonder which bushes they hide in?

Hopefully no one will start calling me the condo pooper-there are an awful lot of human sized turds in the grassy area that haven't been picked up (I wouldn't pick 'em up either-they're the size of a volkswagen). But the crazy old lady is a bit senial. So... a.) she'll forget about the whole thing b.) she'll realize it was the dog that was supposed to poop. or c.) she'll tell the poodle patrol but then get shot down because no one would actually crap in their yard (unless you're locked out of your house and REALLY have to go) But if one of them has the balls to actually ask me about it, I might just say "Yes, I was." and turn and walk away.